jokes and laffs

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"


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What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?

A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.


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At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."


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An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


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Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"


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A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."


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The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"


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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

some more

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"


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A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Out with my wife." The guy says,

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."


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A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."


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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


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Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."

So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."



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A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"

The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

hehe

A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."

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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."


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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of."

The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.

So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!"

The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for."

The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."


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So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor an asshole."



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Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."



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Paddy O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"



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A young married Dublin couple enjoyed a full sex life and the woman became accustomed to rewarding him between the sheets for any act of kindness.
But he wanted to prove to her that he wanted her for more than just sex, so one day, on the spur of the moment, he bought her a huge bouquet of flowers.

"They're lovely," she said before adding suspiciously,

"I suppose you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs apart?"

"Why?" said the husband, puzzled? "Don't we have a vase anymore?"



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An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled, " the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.




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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.



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Two Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The first Irishman says "Wasn't that old Paddy O'Tool? The second Irishman says "I thought he was taller than that!"



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A small boy got lost at the FAI cup final game.
He went up to a Guard and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically.
"Beer and women," said the boy.



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A young Irish boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad."
"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now"
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.
"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"
"Mom says when you croak we can have this house"



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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Have you ever seen an Italian nativity scene?
It has Jesus, Mary, and three wise guys.

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Q: What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

A: 50 pounds and a black dress.



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At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."



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Heaven & Hell

HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organised by the Swiss

HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organised by the Italians!!



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Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend " Hey Paulo, it's a mine, it's a mine!!!" Paulo replies " O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it!!! "



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Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"



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A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



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How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?
They don't like any witnesses

You Know You're Italian When:

- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.

- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.

- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.

- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

- At some point in your life, you were a D.J

- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

- You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.

- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."





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Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?
A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Black Man?
A. A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.

Why did the redneck put fireman's hats on the 3 wise men in his nativity scene?

Because the preacher said they came from afar.


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Emma Sue died during the night, and her husband Buddy called 911.

The 911 operator told Buddy that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Buddy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Buddy said, "How 'bout if I just drag her over to Oak Street."


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Redneck Computer Terms

Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



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There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”



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A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."



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A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."



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A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."



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Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."



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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"


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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?



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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."



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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Boudreaux calls the doctor and says, "Doc, doc, my wife Marie is in labor and da contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?" Boudreaux shouts, "No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

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Boudreaux at the hunting camp with 3 buddies, drinking beer and playing bouree. We'll call them: Thibodeaux, Gauthreaux, and Fontenot. "Boudreaux ", says Fontenot, "You coming hunt them bear with us in the morn?" Boudreaux , the excellent hunter that he is, says," Non, I think I'll go alone; I hunt better that way". So, in the morning when everyone else woke to go on the hunt, there was ole Boudreaux , returning from his hunt with a big black bear. There was only ONE bullet hole on the bear, right between the eyes. "Damn, you are a good shot", says Thibodeaux, who is leaving to go hunting. "Yep, one shot - that's all it took"says Boudreaux ,"I told you!" Well, they came back later that day without a single bear. That night, the same routine; beer and bouree. Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux if he'll go on the hunt with them in the morn. Again, Boudreaux says "No, I hunt better alone." So, in the morn all 3 guys are leaving for the hunt when Boudreaux is returning with a bear. Again, only ONE bullet hole between the eyes. Gauthreaux, not believing what he's seeing, exclaims "Boudreaux , how you do it with one shot? You can't be that good, huh?" Well, the same thing happens later that day; they return without a single bear. The next morning Boudreaux returns with a bear as the other 3 are leaving for their hunt. But, this time, there were 3 bullet holes on the bear; one in between the eyes, one in the left paw, and one in the right paw. Gauthreaux , seeing the three bullet holes,exclaims, "Uh huh, I knew you couldn't do it three times in a row with one bullet; I knew you wasn't that good!!" Boudreaux , remaining calm, says "No man, all it took was one shot - that's it!! You see, it was pretty dark when I shot him. I put my flashlight up like that and shined it at his eyes. When he saw the light , he put both his hands over his eyes to cover them, and that's when I shot."


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Boudreaux is walking down the road when he's approached by his friend, Thibodeaux, who is carrying a very long bamboo fishing pole, and a yardstick. They stop and talk awhile, when Thibodeaux stands the pole straight up in the air, and attempts to reach the very top with the yardstick. Seeing it won't work, ole Boudreaux yanks the pole from Thibodeaux's hands , lays it on the sidewalk and measures it. "There you go; it's 12 feet long", says Boudreaux . Thibodeaux, upset and very irritated, grabs the yardstick and yells to Boudreaux ," You fool!! I don't want to know how long it is!! I want to know how high it is!


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Circle of Life

Boudreaux is driving down the big road in Houston, Texas, when all of a sudden this big ole Texan cuts him off and forces Boudreaux to the shoulder where Boudreaux immediately gets out his Country Cadillac (pick-up truck) and walks up to the Texan and begans screaming at the guy. The Texan, remaining calm, politely goes to his trunk, and pulls out a tire tool. He bends over and draws a circle in the concrete on the shoulder of the Interstate and tells Boudreaux to get in the circle and DON'T get out. Well, the Texan walks over to Boudreaux's pick-up truck and bashes in his tail lights. Looking at Boudreaux , the Texan sees him laughing hard. Getting even more frustated, the Texan bashes in the back glass. Looking over at Boudreaux again, he sees him lying on the ground, rolling from laughing so hard. This really gets the Texan upset, so he bashes in the front windshield, the headlights, and the mirrors. Walking over to where Boudreaux was at, in the circle, he still sees ole Boudreaux on the ground, laughing so hard that he's turning blue in the face. Not understanding why, the Texan says to Boudreaux , " Man, I bash in your windows, and you laugh; I bash in your tail lights, and you laugh; I bash in your windshield, mirrors and headlights, and you can barely breathe because you're laughing so hard. What the hell is wrong with you?" Finally catching his breath, Boudreaux says, "You fool; you Texans think you're so much better than us; you know what? When you wasn't looking, I got out that circle three times!!


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Thibodeaux was walking down the road one day and spotted Boudreaux walking towards him carrying a sack over his shoulder. When they met up on the road, Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux " What you got in the sack?" Boudreaux replies "I got me some chickens in this sack." Thibodeaux then says to Boudreaux , "If I guess how many chickens are in the sack, can I have one?" Boudreaux , the polite man that he is, kindly says,"If you can guess how many chickens I have in this sack, I'll give you BOTH of them!"


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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving on the highway, on their way to go bear hunting. They come upon this fork in the road, where there was a sign that said " BEAR LEFT". They turned around and went home.


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Boudreaux goes to a local carpenter in his hometown and asks him if he could build a box two inches wide, by two inches high, by 50 feet long. The carpenter, slightly confused by the request, says he could do it, but out of curiosity, he asks what the box will be used for. Boudreaux says "Nothing really important; you see, my neighbor moved about a week ago, and he forgot a couple of things. He asked if I could mail his garden hose.


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Boudreaux gets home from work late one night and hears a voice in his head. The voice tells him, "Hey Boudreaux, quit your job, sell your house, take yo money, go to Vegas." Boudreaux is very disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take yo money, go to Vegas." Again Boudreaux ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, for about four or three days, Boudreaux hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time he hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, Boudreaux succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment he gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." Boudreaux does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, Boudreaux cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes Boudreaux good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. Boudreaux anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number .. . 21. "Damn Boudreaux," says the voice!!


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Mrs. Boudreaux went to the local newspaper and said she wanted to put in the Obituary Column that Boudreaux died. They told her it would be $1.00 per word. She said, "Here's $2.00 - put in dere tat BOUDREAUX DIED. They said, Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want more dan dat." She said, Mais, no, just Boudreaux died. The editor said, "Well, you're a little upset. Bring yourself back tomorrow and you will probably tink of somethin else. She came back the next day, and said, "Yeh, I taught of somethin else, "BOAT FOR SALE".


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Boudreaux won the eight million dollar Lotto drawing. So early Monday morning he drives to Lotto headquarters in Baton Rouge to collect his winnings. Boudreaux tells the clerk, I won the Lotto and I come to collect my money, eight million dollar. The clerk tells him I am sorry Mr. Boudreaux but we don't give all the money at one time, we will pay you four hundred thousand dollars for the next twenty years. Boudreaux tells the clerk may non cher I don't want to wait twenty years for my money I want it today and all of it! Again she tells him I am sorry sir but that's not the way it works. Boudreaux was furious so he tells the clerk if you can't give me all of my money today then here is your ticket and give me back my dollar.



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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were going fishing. Boudreaux wanted to check the boat trailer lights. So he told Thibodeaux to go in the back and check the lights. Thibodeaux said press the brakes, both lights came on and he said, "It works". Boudreaux put on the right signal and Thibodeaux said, "It works, it don't, it works, it don't, it works, it don't".


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Poor ole Boudreaux up and died one day. Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter greeted him, "Welcome to Heaven, dere Boudreaux!" Boudreaux exclaimed "Mai, tank ya, cher!" St. Peter explained to ole Boudreaux that there was one stipulation before he was allowed through the gates of Heaven....he had to answer one question and get it right. Boudreaux scratched his head and said, "Mai, ok, cher. What dat be?" St. Peter says "What is God's first name?" Boudreaux answers, "Mai, cher, dat be easy, it's Howard." St. Peter (laughing himself silly) "HOWARD? May I ask you, Boudreaux, how'd you come up with that name?" Boudreaux, smiling proudly, says "Mai cher, dat be an easy one.....Our Fadda who art in Heavin, HOWARD be dy name." St. Peter, still chuckling, says "I can't argue with that one, Boudreaux! Come on in!"



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Boudreaux's Two Worse Pains

Mais, Boudreaux stuck a splinter under his fingernail. So, he went to the docteur. The docteur say, mais Boudreaux dat must hurt! I'm gone have to stick a needle in your finger to deaden it up so I can get dat outta dere. Boudreaux say Doc just go pull it out. The docteur say mais Boudreaux dat gone hurt. Boudreaux say dat's ok Doc I done had the two worse pains dere is in the world. Just pull it out. The docteur say mais non Boudreaux you don't onerstand...dat's gone hurt bad. Boudreaux say mais doc I can take it. I done had de two worst pains in the world. Just go get it out. The docteur say mais ok but hole on Boudreaux! Mais sho nuf Boudreaux holds still sweating buckshot but the doc finally gets the splinter out. The docteur say mais Boudreaux I just wouldn't believe you stand dat! I just gotta know man what was the two worst pains in the world worst than that? Boudreaux say well doc I was duck huntin' a while back in the swamp when here come some ducks. Mais, I stoop down in that water to hide when one of them nutria traps got me right in the groin!! Mais. dat was the second worst pain in the world!! The docteur say poo yie Boudreaux dat musta hurt! But what could be worst than dat? Boudreaux said mais doc the worst pain was when I got to the end of that CHAIN!


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Boudreaux Moves to Ireland

Boudreaux walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know Boudreaux, a pint goes flat after I pour it; wouldn't you rather I pour fresh pints for you, one at a time?" Boudreaux replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in Nova Scotia, and the other, in France, and me, mais I'm from Louisiana. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Boudreaux becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When Boudreaux goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, "Hey Boudreaux, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Boudreaux looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs and says: "Oh, no, no, no, arrybody's 's fine. I've just given up beer for Lent."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

thats a lot of jokes o_O

o rly btw nice you changed the forum

yeah, tom's new idea for a theme, "war on production".i designed it... its lol, greenman and yellowman are launching rocket headshots

how come it takes so long to host a gif

Hmm? Host a GIF? Gif files are usually small, they shouldn't take long.

lol

shut up

what >:O

why cant you host a gif?

UR ALL BAND